For years I have dared to run ahead zealous to complete that which I would see. Countless times I would venture on starving for your moves, anticipating your steps, running in faith. Yet, today, I am satisfied to tarry and wait for a sure plan. Where is the dear balance Lord? For at times I feel my waiting is a mere excuse of paramount self righteousness that covers beautifully an underlying fear of failure. A river of questions whispering, “what if I am not hearing you clearly?”, “what if I choose unwisely?”, “what if I lose it all again?”

At times I have a strong sense of direction only to find a pained arrow or two waiting that would send me another way. Joy radiates and my heart smiles at your gentle nudges..hope arises..to find another closed door. Unexpectedly locked.

Perhaps we are presumptuous at what we are looking for dear Lord. It seems you say “I am not creating success as the world sees….I am raising up my prophets, my teachers, and works of My Spirit.  Die to titles, die to taglines, die to striving….and live in ME…that I may live through you.  It will look very different from what is seen today.”

I see, Lord….we must turn around… you are all we need. I desire to be like Paul Lord. Perhaps Elijah. Most assuredly, David. Yet, you continue to show me the lot of such lives. With the joy of seeing the open heavens comes the exiled life. With the intimacy of birthing psalms and spiritual songs comes a war with the principalities causing temporary hiding in the caves. With the power of a prophet comes a life of absolute surrender..and possibly death. A keen hearing and seeing your heart.

Yes….Lord…we have it very wrong indeed. The budding ministry we pray for likely will wreck our lives when authentic..depending on the unique call of each. To cultivate a heart like yours will require a dark night of the soul. It skipped over none in your word. A night that awakens to joy after a long wait. The joy Paul experienced was from a jail cell …or truly a dungeon. A moment of utter anguish as Nehemiah over the ruins of a broken world and the overwhelming sting caused by you grabbing hold of my eyes to see what you see… yet, it is what I asked for isn’t it Lord? That you would let me see with your eyes? Perhaps we lack understanding when we pray?

So with these eyes of yours I see the betrayals, the hidden agendas, the impure motives. I see those stoned by the religious sect for intimate ways with you. I see the disdain and competitive spirits rise to murder their brothers and sisters. I see silence loudly proclaimed when injustice passes by. I see lukewarmness overlooked in your people as we merry in our retirements and daily gambling away our lives. Following you cost little to nothing for many. I see orphans and widows unattended and broken hearts awaiting tending. I see the sick with none to pray for healing and altars merely empty. I see friendships cast aside and families left but wounded. I see Lord…oh yes, I see. I see wrong becoming right and right becoming wrong. I see the abused called to endure instead of abusers called to repentance. I see knowledge overruling your Spirit and intellect becoming an idol. I see your daughters enslaved to a mindset and your gifts altogether unwrapped.

Then….I weep… and ask for mercy that I may not see any longer..

You answer me that it cannot be. “I have given you eyes to see. It is why your path was rocky and full of valleys. For you had to see the whole way…you have been in training. For this, daughter, is your ministry. That which I’ve prepared you for..you are now equipped…arise…now go….RAISE A CRY in the land…be strong and courageous..I will go before you and will be with you.”

Yes Lord…